“Friends first” is an extremely overused, little understood phrase. For some, it connotes a feeling of placing a wall between people in a romantic situation. For others, it’s a way to express that a relationship is more than the sum of its parts. For me, the jury is out. I’d like to believe in the latter; but I've too often run into the former. But, then, I've never met anyone quite like Frog Two.
In my last post, I expressed concern about Frog Two’s attentions. From the time we met, there was an almost tangible spark and the chemistry has been extremely intense. Perfect match, you say? Au contraire, mon ami! Although I am ready to be involved with one man, Frog Two is not ready to commit to one woman. His caution is understandable, having just gotten out of a very toxic marriage (his ex has borderline personality disorder and refused to acknowledge or even submit to treatment). Because I value him as a friend at least as much as I value him as a potential partner (we really do get along that well), I have been willing to allow him to set the pace and direction of our relationship, such that it is. Having said that, it’s been hard to maintain self-control whenever we get together. We have had some deep discussions about this, and we set our boundaries clearly (I thought).
On Monday, we met in front of the movie theatre in a shopping mall and grabbed a bite to eat at a restaurant nearby. We talked and laughed just like we always do. He is such an easy person to talk to and we can discuss nearly anything without fear of offense, even if we disagreed. But, the movie was a different story. He did not lay a hand on me during the first hour of the movie, although we sat leaning toward each other to whisper some comment or other. Even though this was not was I was expecting (nor did I like it one bit), I tried to respect this boundary. However, after a time, I noticed he was sitting on his own hands! I knew then that he was fighting the urge, so I grabbed his hand, which he seemed more than happy to have me do. OY – what’s up with that?? After the movie, I expressed to him my confusion at this apparent change in physical interaction, and asked him if we could talk about it. He said sure, and got in my car to drive near his car, then parked and talked.
I understand intellectually that he is not ready for a relationship of the kind I want – he needs to work out who he is before he can see us as a cohesive unit. Does the knowledge make it easy to deal with? Nope. But, I value him as a person enough to honor where he needs to be – even at the cost of gaining only a friend and not a life partner. I will continue to date others; I have no plans to do otherwise. Until he – or someone else I connect with – moves forward to ask for exclusivity, I won’t stop dating.
I expressed to him that I was more than happy to honor the boundaries set before me, but it seemed that they were changing and that change wasn’t what I was expecting. It seems that there was a misunderstanding as to the specific level of physical interaction that each of us agreed on. He admitted as much. I told him that if he did not want to touch at all, I would accept that – but I did not like it. He agreed that it was hard not to touch, because, he said, that I have a sensuality that is hard to ignore. “It appears to be completely innate.” To which, I jokingly apologized.
As if he felt he needed to let me know (I did not and will never ask), he said he was not involved with anyone, but is simply meeting interesting people. More often than not meeting just once and not finding a connection. Oddly, he also said he wasn’t sleeping with anyone – that was certainly not asked for. I’m not sure why he felt the need to volunteer that bit of info. I’m not sleeping with anyone either, but I’m not sure how long that can continue. (On a side note, at some point in time I will talk about a few of the dating techniques I’m learning, one of which is called circular dating. An interesting method, which may or may not involve being sexually monogamous to one while dating others non-sexually. More on that later.)
We briefly moved to safer waters, and I asked if he would be bringing his dog over on Friday for pet sitting. He said he’d text or email me with a time to drop her off.
Returning to the subject at hand, I told him that I would sit back and let him make the next move. I was going to place the ball in his court and that if he wanted to see me it was his responsibility to ask. I will no longer take the initiative. Those of you who know me well, know that this was one of the hardest things for me to do. It is possible that he won’t ask me out again. But, that scenario is unlikely, because I know I have made an impact on him. He told me for the second time that I am simply amazing and he wanted me in his life in whatever capacity was good for both of us. He explained that he doesn’t have a lot of really close friends, and at the very least, would like that for us. “Will that change? I don’t know,” he said, answering his own question. So, I’m certain he will reach out to me. Will it be a week, a month or longer? I have no idea. My hands are off the controls.
In a manner of speaking, I am controlling the relationship. By refusing to do anything at all, I control it by pushing it onto his plate. Contacting me will be his idea; not mine. But, contact me, he will. I am that confident.
I think we got it worked out, because we parted with a nice, long kiss good night.
SA
