Moving On

I had an epiphany last night. Actually, it was early this morning, because I could not sleep (I haven't been able to sleep well for a couple of weeks now). It came on the wave of the release of pent-up frustration at not being able to follow my desire to make Frog Two a permanent fixture in my life (by now, most of you should know my feelings for him). He has not been very responsive to my emails as of late. There could be a number of reasons for this, and it may have nothing to do with me. But instead of wondering why (or even broaching the subject to him), I took this as a sign that he and I may be going onto divergent paths. That realization caused a flood of emotion and a torrent of tears. Thoughts of missed opportunities and bad timing careening in my brain. The crying was cleansing and allowed me to see things as they are, not as I want them to be. Letting go and moving on, no matter how pragmatic and appropriate, is hard to do.

That is not to say that we’re formally parting ways, never to see one another again; I don’t think that’s the case. But, I believe that we will end up more as friends than anything else, simply because he is not ready for anything else. Could that change? Of course – stranger things have happened. I still believe that he will keep contact with me on occasion. I’m not pushing him out of my life. But, I am also not going to try to pull him into my life, either. So, I attempt to follow my own advice and just let it be. Gone are the hopes of something more than what is plainly there; gone are my attempts at keeping me in his thoughts.

Now, I need to let go and move on. Easier said than done.

Update: I have just found out that Frog Two has become involved with someone else.

- SA

My Dating Philosophy

In today’s post, I thought I would expound upon my dating philosophy, in addition to updating you all on my pond adventures. But, I’d also like to ask a boon of my Facebook friends:
Please, PLEASE – share this with others on Facebook if you’d like to. I encourage it. But, please do NOT use my real name when doing so. I’d like to make my blog presence as removed as possible from my real self, for obvious reasons. On to my philosophy.

Please, good reader – let me make this perfectly clear: I am dating around; I’m not sleeping around. The vast majority of my dates are first-time meetings – and nothing else. What happens, more often than not, is by the time the first meeting is half over, one of us has decided the other is not a good match. I have to admit that the ratio for me making the call rather than him is about 4:1, however. I’m including pre-blog figures, since I’m only up to Frog Five this time around. I’m not a floozy, a loose woman or a “ho.” Why am I dating like this? Here’s my analogy:

Say you’re out shopping for a car. You go to the dealer, test drive one car, then purchase it and drive it off the lot. Then, after a few days or weeks, you decide you don’t like it, so you take it back and start looking for the next car. Does that make any sense at all? It’s not the best way to shop for a car that suits you – and you shouldn’t to that with men, either. Serial dating is the worst time-suck on the face of the planet if you’re at my age and looking for a long-term relationship. As with cars, you want to "test-drive" as many men as you can over a period of time before making a move toward exclusivity. Why on earth would I want to cut off all other potential matches with someone who “seems” like we get along (on the surface), then find out in short order that we’re not such a good match? I’d have to start all over again in finding a nice man. I don’t have a hell of a lot of time to waste – I have to make every date count.

Nearly all dating advice sites (and there are plenty of them) recommend not engaging in sexual activity with anyone until or unless exclusivity (at least of a sexual nature) is declared. This means being very clear about one’s status and goal. And, I am not making my status a secret. If things look like they will go beyond the first couple of dates, I will let my date know that I am seeing other men. Frog Two knew this before the end of our second date.

Being physically intimate with anyone while in the “dating” mode is not a good idea, for innumerable reasons. It can create all sorts of complicated problems, in addition to the obvious health risks. That is not to say that I’m not tempted with Frog Two. Problem is, the feeling is mutual and is the precise reason why we are trying to work out a level of physical interaction with each other that minimizes the chance that things will go over the edge before either of us is ready. A very difficult balancing act, to be sure. We have discussed our sexual attraction - among the intellectual and other attraction - with each other. And, as a whole, I would have no problem whatsoever entering into a physical relationship with him. However, the biggest fear I have is to become a “friend with benefits.” I told Frog Two that I did not want to be considered such, and that if we become intimate, that I wanted “all of him” – heart, body and soul. However, this “line in the sand” does complicate things when passions rise. Drawing the line – or crossing it – will alter our relationship, perhaps permanently. Scary, especially when he is the only one with whom I am even remotely considering on that level.

On to my date yesterday. Frog Five came to my neck of the woods for lunch and a movie. He had earlier suggested that we rent a movie to watch at my house, but there’s no way that I will have him at my house until and unless I feel I can trust him. I like him, but I doubt if we will actually become an item, but the fact that he can fly anywhere in the U.S. and have a companion fly free, too is pretty attractive – at least for a little while.

Lunch at a Mexican place was okay. He’s a smart guy, and we have some things in common. His movie and TV tastes run toward the comic book or action-flick side, but he did actually suggest seeing the Lincoln Lawyer, which was fantastic! I needed to have some work done on my car (brakes – gulp!), so had the car fixed while we wandered around chatting. He’s a pretty decent conversationalist, and has some strong opinions on certain things, but he seems respectful of opposing views – unless (by his admission) they go far off to the extreme. He is also polite, and always opens doors for me – a nice touch. He alluded to seeing me again, asking me to contact him when I returned from my trip. At that time, he will also get the "I'm seeing other men" speech, in one way or another.

There have been a number of potential “Frog Sixes,” but no one has stepped up to the plate to actually meet. This is fine, as I’m too focused on getting ready for my trip to Michigan in a week. For those who don’t know what I am talking about, there is an annual dog show for my breed, and the event is somewhat of a Mecca. We spend our time bragging about our dogs, complimenting others’ dogs, networking and partying like there’s no tomorrow. The majority of my hangovers in a given year are a direct result of these shows.

I think my next post (since I will probably not be seeing anyone over the next two weeks) will be about how I set up my profile(s) in online dating sites – how I attract men and how I approach them when I am attracted to them. I’ll give my insight on what to show in your profile, what not to show and how to present yourself – textually and pictorially. This is just one woman’s opinion, so I don’t expect anyone to see me as an expert (I certainly am not), but I think after all these years, I do have some decent ideas.

Until then,

SA

Boundaries

“Friends first” is an extremely overused, little understood phrase. For some, it connotes a feeling of placing a wall between people in a romantic situation. For others, it’s a way to express that a relationship is more than the sum of its parts. For me, the jury is out. I’d like to believe in the latter; but I've too often run into the former. But, then, I've never met anyone quite like Frog Two.

In my last post, I expressed concern about Frog Two’s attentions. From the time we met, there was an almost tangible spark and the chemistry has been extremely intense. Perfect match, you say? Au contraire, mon ami! Although I am ready to be involved with one man, Frog Two is not ready to commit to one woman. His caution is understandable, having just gotten out of a very toxic marriage (his ex has borderline personality disorder and refused to acknowledge or even submit to treatment). Because I value him as a friend at least as much as I value him as a potential partner (we really do get along that well), I have been willing to allow him to set the pace and direction of our relationship, such that it is. Having said that, it’s been hard to maintain self-control whenever we get together. We have had some deep discussions about this, and we set our boundaries clearly (I thought). 

On Monday, we met in front of the movie theatre in a shopping mall and grabbed a bite to eat at a restaurant nearby. We talked and laughed just like we always do. He is such an easy person to talk to and we can discuss nearly anything without fear of offense, even if we disagreed. But, the movie was a different story. He did not lay a hand on me during the first hour of the movie, although we sat leaning toward each other to whisper some comment or other. Even though this was not was I was expecting (nor did I like it one bit), I tried to respect this boundary. However, after a time, I noticed he was sitting on his own hands! I knew then that he was fighting the urge, so I grabbed his hand, which he seemed more than happy to have me do. OY – what’s up with that?? After the movie, I expressed to him my confusion at this apparent change in physical interaction, and asked him if we could talk about it. He said sure, and got in my car to drive near his car, then parked and talked.

I understand intellectually that he is not ready for a relationship of the kind I want – he needs to work out who he is before he can see us as a cohesive unit. Does the knowledge make it easy to deal with? Nope. But, I value him as a person enough to honor where he needs to be – even at the cost of gaining only a friend and not a life partner. I will continue to date others; I have no plans to do otherwise. Until he – or someone else I connect with – moves forward to ask for exclusivity, I won’t stop dating.

I expressed to him that I was more than happy to honor the boundaries set before me, but it seemed that they were changing and that change wasn’t what I was expecting. It seems that there was a misunderstanding as to the specific level of physical interaction that each of us agreed on. He admitted as much. I told him that if he did not want to touch at all, I would accept that – but I did not like it. He agreed that it was hard not to touch, because, he said, that I have a sensuality that is hard to ignore. “It appears to be completely innate.” To which, I jokingly apologized.

As if he felt he needed to let me know (I did not and will never ask), he said he was not involved with anyone, but is simply meeting interesting people. More often than not meeting just once and not finding a connection. Oddly, he also said he wasn’t sleeping with anyone – that was certainly not asked for. I’m not sure why he felt the need to volunteer that bit of info. I’m not sleeping with anyone either, but I’m not sure how long that can continue. (On a side note, at some point in time I will talk about a few of the dating techniques I’m learning, one of which is called circular dating. An interesting method, which may or may not involve being sexually monogamous to one while dating others non-sexually. More on that later.)

We briefly moved to safer waters, and I asked if he would be bringing his dog over on Friday for pet sitting. He said he’d text or email me with a time to drop her off.

Returning to the subject at hand, I told him that I would sit back and let him make the next move. I was going to place the ball in his court and that if he wanted to see me it was his responsibility to ask. I will no longer take the initiative. Those of you who know me well, know that this was one of the hardest things for me to do. It is possible that he won’t ask me out again. But, that scenario is unlikely, because I know I have made an impact on him. He told me for the second time that I am simply amazing and he wanted me in his life in whatever capacity was good for both of us. He explained that he doesn’t have a lot of really close friends, and at the very least, would like that for us. “Will that change? I don’t know,” he said, answering his own question. So, I’m certain he will reach out to me. Will it be a week, a month or longer? I have no idea. My hands are off the controls.

In a manner of speaking, I am controlling the relationship. By refusing to do anything at all, I control it by pushing it onto his plate. Contacting me will be his idea; not mine. But, contact me, he will. I am that confident.

I think we got it worked out, because we parted with a nice, long kiss good night.

SA

Of Mullets and Men

I met two frogs this weekend (see previous post for overview). I met Frog Four on Saturday at noon at a place in my town called the Wooden Nickel Pub. A hole in the wall, essentially. Not that that’s a bad thing, but I think I will not go there again. I discovered that the pictures he posted on his profile did not reveal the fact that he had a MULLET! That, and I discovered that the photos are also at least 5 years old. C’mon, people – digital camera technology has advanced to the point where one can purchase a camera really cheap! Hell, most cell phones have cameras in them! I think I will ask how old the pictures are from now on. Jeebus!!!

He was a really nice guy, was polite and considerate. But that mullet thing…I can’t abide by that. Nope, can’t do that. I was polite and we had a good conversation. He put me on the spot toward the end, asking if I’d like to do this again. This? You mean, sit in a dive bar, eating a nasty hamburger, drinking a pissy beer and talking to a mullet-wearing guy who can’t face how old he actually is? I took the non-confrontational approach, and said I wasn’t sure, but my head was screaming NOOOOOO!

Frog Five was less of a disappointment. He lives in the Winston-Salem area, so I drove out to meet him at – of all places – East Coast Wings. Not my first choice, but since I didn’t know the area, I figured it couldn’t be worse than where I was yesterday. In actuality, it was better. My stomach is still getting over the bug of early last week, so I didn’t eat much. But, what I did have wasn’t half bad. The weather was beautiful, so we sat outside. Frog Four even looked like his photos. He is not a ticketing agent, like I said previously - but a reservations supervisor. Nice man, quirky in his sense of humor, but quite personable and has some degree of intelligence. We later went to Old Winston, one of the historical districts in the area and walked around a bit. There was a quaint ice cream parlor, so we each got a cone to enjoy in the warm weather. All in all a very nice time. He asked to see me again, so he will be coming out my way next time.

I have to admit that my feelings (hopes) for Frog Two interferes with my efforts to date others. However, I know that I must date other people, because he isn’t ready for a relationship – and I have no idea when or if that might be. Since we are in two different places as far as our readiness for a relationship is concerned, but so much in sync in just about everything else, I am in a constant state of stress. Since last Saturday, I’ve been feeling confused. He was not as affectionate with me as he had been previously. Was it because he doesn’t like me as well anymore, or because he didn’t want to display affection to me at his house while we were working on his car (neighbors, friends, etc)? He put his arm around me and later held my hand while we were out hiking, so at least I know I’m not repulsive to him. We did make arrangements to meet on Monday (tomorrow), and in our email exchange this evening, his reply was somewhat comforting. So, I will satisfy myself with whatever he is willing to offer me, and not complain.

I am trying to be hands-off in dictating the direction of the path that Frog Two and I are on. He is not a man that would take well to a pushy woman. And, I am realizing in my more mature years, that I don’t want to push. If I am unable to develop a relationship with a man that feels natural (and my path with Frog Two feels very free and natural), then I don’t want that relationship. Taking my hands off the controls is very difficult for me, however. The good news is that I am willing to allow him to control the speed and direction - however it may go. I will follow his lead. And, oddly enough, I think that's the best thing for us.

Until next time,

SA

The Toads are Out There

I promised that I would go into a recent situation that could have turned out rather badly, had things not revealed themselves sooner. But, first, let me explain that I have a “process” of sorts in place for communicating and meeting men from online. It was developed over the years as a filter – allowing us to get acquainted without sharing personal information. This requires that both parties be willing to do some amount of messaging/emailing (no IM, no phone) before meeting. It allows me to get a feel for who I’m dealing with. This one time, I broke one of my own rules – and it could have cost me dearly.

This happened mere days ago. I had received a message on a system from a gentleman (call him Toad One) who wanted to get to know me. From his pictures, he’s a big man (about 6’1” and 230-250 lbs), a bodybuilder and rather handsome. We corresponded on that system a couple of times, then he asked for my phone number. I am loath to give it out, as I explained, but he insisted, saying that he’s not a computer person and it’s difficult for him to email back and forth. So, I opted to call him from my computer using Skype. He seemed very nice, polite and respectful, and we talked for over an hour and a half. However, he regularly referred to “If you and I were together, I would do this…” or “…we would go here and do that.” At the time I thought it quaint, and concluded that he didn’t have much experience with dating. Expectations can get pretty high when first starting out, so I am quick to point out my own experience, and that I keep my expectations low.

He asked me if I was dating other men, and I was honest with him. He said that he understood, but asked that if we met (we had scheduled a meeting for this past Friday) and we really get along well, would I stop dating other men. I was hesitant – again, this pointed to his high expectations. He compromised, asking if I would just give it a few dates before deciding on whether to move on or not. I acquiesced, thinking, “what’s a few dates?” I thought it would be highly unlikely that I would find someone to surpass Frog Two, but I was open to the possibility.

I decided that he would be fine with my number, so I gave it to him. We closed the call, and I thought that was it. I wouldn’t hear anything more until Friday. I went back on the system to review his profile and those of others. I received a text from him a few minutes later, accusing me of breaking my word because I was on the system again (some systems will allow users to see if specific users are online, and he no doubt saw me). I texted back that that wasn’t the agreement, and that I thought he was being unreasonable. I won’t repeat what he texted to me after that, but suffice to say, I told him to leave me alone. He texted back, and I ignored it, blocked his number and deleted all messages.

This toad displayed an extreme tendency for possessiveness and controlling any woman he thinks is his. To be honest, I’m still reeling from the exchange and the thought of potential disaster that was averted. But, I am safe – having only provided my phone number. A very, very dangerous situation could have resulted if I had but met with him and had he not shown his true colors then.

This exchange provided valuable lessons:

• Never deviate from my process – built from years of experience.
• When a man speaks of a relationship before you even meet, run. Run like hell.
• NEVER promise exclusivity – no matter how brief – until you are ready UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

It was enough to make me contemplate getting out of dating for a while. I’m not proud of my failure to stick to my guns. But, I learned, barely escaping from a nasty case of warts.

In other news, I have a meeting with Frog Four today: 51 years old, 5’7” (a bit shorter than I like), weight / height proportionate, a full head of salt and pepper hair and a goatee. A bit of a cowboy, but seems intelligent, polite and well-spoken. Owns a Harley. Has a clear sense of who he is, from what I can tell. We’re meeting for lunch at 11:30 at a local pub. Hope I can find some low-fat choices on the menu (probably not).

I also have a lunch meeting with Frog Five on Sunday: 54 years old, 5’ 10”, average build. A full head of gray hair; handsome in a boyish sort of way. Has been a ticketing agent for a major airline for a number of years (job security – yay!). Quirky in his sense of humor, it comes out in his emails. Seems like he would be fun.

Frog Six has not surfaced since contacting me Thursday. Not sure if he will. Not sure if I want to contact him, either. C’est la vie. If I don't hear from him, his designation will be removed, and my next frog will be named Frog Six (since we have not actually met). There are more where he came from.

I'll post again soon.

SA

Background

I am a battle-scarred veteran of the online dating scene. Twice married, both marriages failed for different reasons after a few years. I will not get into that here, but I might refer to this or that observation from time to time. I’m not sure I want to be married again, but I do want a committed relationship that has the potential of being stronger than any legal document. One can dream.

My introduction into online dating started in 1995, as a beta tester for a now-defunct online service. I was tasked with interacting with other beta testers all over the world testing functions and robustness of the system and relaying my findings to the developers. And, that’s where I met Rob, who lived in another country. I had separated from my first husband then, and feeling unworthy, I found Rob’s attentions flattering, to say the least. To make a long story short, we ended up in a relationship lasting more than 18 months. I had some serious airline miles under my belt. So, I’m no stranger to that world; nor am I a stranger to the slimy, dark underbelly of online dating. Maybe I will post more on that in the future.

Rob was the first. Many have followed off and on over the years. Fast-forward to 2011. Another husband came and went (not minimizing the marriage – just providing a timeline). I had signed on to several online dating sites over time. Some free; others quite spendy. I am thinking of providing critiques of some of them, for the enlightenment of those interested at some future point.

Since moving to my current location around January of this year, I have experienced a resurgence of confidence that I am worthy of a relationship and finding someone who is likewise worthy. Previously, my confidence had been hampered quite severely due to a number of circumstances. Today, I am rediscovering myself. A Renaissance woman.

Since relocating, I have been dating actively, and each man is referred to not by name, but by designation (Frog One, Frog Two, etc.). Below is a list and quasi-timeline, complete with some degree of detail.

Frog One:

40 years old. About 5’ 11 or so; borderline obese. Not great looking, but not repulsive, either. Loves critters. A real sweet guy. Too sweet, actually. I am certainly willing to look past the surface and forgive extra weight (I am no skinny mini). However, his mannerisms, the way he dressed, carried himself and his recent past all conspired against him. In addition, he showed his lack of confidence by emailing, calling and texting me several times a day. I cannot tolerate that kind of neediness, so I had to remove him from the pond.

Frog Two:

47 years old. 5’10” about 170. In good physical shape. Shaved head. One 11-year old daughter. A successful business owner, he does not want for anything (believe it or not, that is not important to me, nor is it the reason I’m seeing him). He is an accomplished musician (violin, guitar) and plays in the local symphony orchestra, a speed freak (has his own rally car) and photographer (does beautiful work). His face, although not attractive to me at first, has grown on me. From our first meeting in mid March, the attraction was instant and mutual. He has a way of carrying himself that shows an ease and genuine confidence seen rarely. He is attentive, affectionate, and open. A class act. We love each others’ dogs. We are still seeing each other, but he is in a different place relationship-wise than I am. Having said that, we had quickly developed a connection – a bond that could last for years. In what capacity, I have no idea. If he ever said he was ready for just one, I would throw every other frog out of this pond in a New York minute. ‘Nuff said.

Frog Three:

46 years old. About 5’9”, slight of build, killer smile. Smooth talker; pushy. After dating for a couple of weeks, I discover that he is a closet alcoholic. A veritable train wreck. I dumped him faster than you could say “cheers!”

Three new frogs have entered the pond, but I have not met them yet. I will detail them later. But, I will describe for you my near-miss of a tragic mistake in my next post. This could have ended badly, and I’m very glad all he had was my phone number.

Until then –

SA

Welcome to the swamp!

Secret Admirer here. You can call me SA. This is my first post on this blog, which is going to be about my exploits in the world of dating - online and offline, where applicable. Notes from the Lily Pad is so named, because the Lily Pad is where the frogs are, and as you know, you have to kiss a helluva lot of them to find your prince (*Thanks, CW).

This project (because that's really what it is, isn't it?) started on Facebook, and it seemed to entertain my friends. So, I will post my experiences here going forward. My next post will attempt to summarize my experiences up to this time. For those who have been following, please forgive the duplication.

I hope that this blog will serve at least as entertainment, but I hope that perhaps we might find some insight along the way, too.

And, maybe, just maybe, I will find my prince.

Ribbit,

SA