My last post explained some of the feelings I had developed for Frog Two over the course of two months, and just after that post, I discovered – rather abruptly – that he had decided to enter into a relationship with someone else. The shock was more in how I found out than the news itself, although the news was pretty shocking, too. He kept it all veiled and hidden.
We met through an online dating service, and this service allows users to put their status as “married / single / seeing someone,” etc. I had logged on to discover that he had changed his status to “seeing someone” after having been set at “single” since we met. He did not bother to take the time to inform me of this change prior to his announcing it to the world.
Yes, I was very hurt that he decided to focus his attentions on someone else (especially, since he said he had no intentions to “get involved” with anyone), but what really got me was the apparent disregard for my feelings (and those of others he was seeing) when he decided to notify the world without coming forward privately first. It was like a kick in the chest. I felt angry, hurt – and in no small measure, betrayed, strung along and lied to.
Had I been deluding myself? Maybe – and that’s a hard thing to admit. However, I did the best I could to discover his feelings by asking specific questions. Yet, after he had answered them, I still felt at odds, and I didn’t acknowledge that. That is where my fault lies, I think. By failing to address my own doubts, I gave him too much of the benefit of the doubt.
I emailed him in reaction to his announcement – “I would have appreciated knowing – why could you not have told me?” He apologized and asked if we could talk about it the next day. My response was along the lines of, “The only way I will speak to you about it is in person. If you don’t want to do that, then we have nothing to talk about.” “Of course, we can talk about it in person,” he said, and from there, it was arranged for him to come to my house the Tuesday evening after returning from my trip. I left for my trip 2 days later, longing for a break from my melancholy. My friends made short work of it, and put me back in a place of happiness. I am very grateful for that, and I thank you all (you know who you are) for your parts in ensuring that I didn’t dwell on this rejection.
I had intended on simply forgetting about things while on my trip, and I was doing a great job of it, until he emailed me a few days later. “Hey, how is your trip?” Great – another kick in the chest sets me reeling. I determined to not even respond and ignore any other communication from him while I was trying to enjoy myself almost a thousand miles away from my pain.
On my drive back home days later, I tried not to think about him, but the solitude of the drive and the memory-inducing music on my radio conspired to bring him to the forefront. I came to a sad conclusion drawn by deep thought over the sound of the road beneath my wheels. I realized that I invested a lot more into him than I actually thought (or cared to admit). I realized to my shame that my sole reason for dating other men was to try and wait Frog Two out. Hoping that someday he would be ready and I would be there when that happened. Talk about backfire. That’s a tough thing to admit to, but admit to it I must.
I arrived home determined to face the person who hurt me. To tell him exactly how I felt. What good it would do I could only say for myself. I needed to get this off my chest - and out of my heart. I had no idea how he would react - or even if he would actually show up. Surprisingly, the day before the scheduled meeting, Frog Two sent an email to confirm. With an economy of words bordering on terseness, I confirmed. Mentally preparing myself for the – for lack of a better word – confrontation was fruitless. I rehearsed all the things I wanted to say and could spout the words out flawlessly with no one around. But, when Tuesday evening rolled around and, sitting across from him, I looked into his face, most of those beautiful, eloquent words went right out the window.
The anxiety was going to drive me insane, so in the hour before the appointed arrival, I opened a bottle of wine and drank deeply to steady my nerves. I put the dogs in their crates (I did not want any distractions) and minutes after the arranged time, I hear the familiar rumble of his BMW in my driveway.
To be continued…
