It’s Raining Frogs (Kind of)!

These last few weeks have been busy ones here in the Pond. My ‘collection’ has expanded more than twice over since last I reported. I will update you all on what’s been happening:

You already know about Frog Five, but I am sad to report that he no longer qualifies to reside in my Pond. The online system we got connected through offers a ‘matching algorithm’ through answering questions and taking certain tests. Potential matches can read each other’s answers and test results. Through his answered questions – which he invited me to peruse – I discovered to my extreme chagrin that Frog Five had admitted to – how do I say this delicately? – obtaining the services of a…’working girl.’ Now, I realize that many men may have done this in the past – it’s a fact of life. However, having admitted to it publicly leaves me feeling pretty disgusted. In speaking with him about it (which I felt I needed to do), his answer was simply, “Oh that was when I was in the military,” – as if that was all the justification he needed. That might be sufficient justification for him, but all the rationalization and logic in the world will not remove the ‘creep factor’ from my opinion of him. Another question he answered badly was along the lines of, “Is there any justification for cheating on your spouse?” His answer: “Yes” – another red flag. So, this little froggy goes ribbit, ribbit, ribbit – ALL the way home!

If I could offer advice to denizens of the online dating world, I would say that there are questions one should never answer on these systems. Period.

On to the newest frogs:

Frog Six

Early 50s, Six feet tall. Lots of lovely gray hair. Cute as hell, with a deep voice and a sexy southern drawl. Self-employed home inspector. Our first meeting at a trendy coffee shop was very nice – we laughed and had a good time. I had hoped to see him again, and he did call a couple of times afterward, where we chatted for quite some time. But, he did not follow through to directly ask me out. I am not about to go chasing anyone. If he wasn’t moved to ask me out again, I wasn’t going to do it for him.

Frog Seven

Nice enough fellow – early to mid 50s, if I recall correctly. Large and powerfully built, balding, but had short red hair. He was laid off from his job at a large shipping entity, but was going to school. He was very nice, but the conversations we had were not natural and flowing. He tended to talk about what he wanted in a partner – and nothing else. He made some jokes and tended to give me nicknames I didn’t care for. He seemed very needy and did not abide by my requests to limit his contact. His visit to the pond was brief.

Frog Eight

Not much to say about Frog Eight. Nice guy – genuine. Mid-fifties. Retired. Another one with a head full of lovely gray hair. His pictures actually look better than he did in person, sadly. Now, I am not seeking an Adonis – I understand that we gain weight as we age. I am far from perfect, so accept that with the men I meet. Having said that, extreme amounts of weight are an issue – I want my guy relatively healthy. With women, it’s easier to tell what her general body condition is just by seeing the face – most of us gain weight in the face as we gain weight elsewhere; with men, it’s difficult to determine with a photo of just the face and/or chest. In meeting Frog Eight, I saw that he had a bit of a weight issue – it was all in his middle. This is also rather unhealthy – I would like for my guy to have the health to stick around a bit on this earth. Other things contributed to his not ‘flipping my switch,’ so he is no longer in the pond, either.

Frog Nine

When I first met this man, he was not attractive to me in the least. He still isn’t, really, but has a charm and a soft voice and a southern drawl that would melt almost any frozen heart. Rather short in stature, he was a former body builder, so had a nice physique. He is also a psychotherapist and has a huge capacity for compassion. The negatives: He misrepresented his age – by 10 years – so that is a red flag (what else could he be lying about?), he is very recently split from his former partner of more than 20 years and he seems to have a bad relationship with alcohol. We have had some incredible conversations about life, the universe and everything, and I will miss that. But, I cannot get involved with someone like him. We’re supposed to go out Saturday night, but my heart just isn’t in it. I’m not sure what to do there.

Frog Ten

Speaker, writer, ordained minister (!). Charming, but quite unattractive. He admitted to some health issues, so that’s a strike off for me. A bit of an egomaniac – he talks about himself a lot. Most of our conversations on the phone and during the meeting was about him and how much money, property and celebrity connections he has. And, what he’s looking for in a woman. Having said that, he is also a very nice person, and I believe he would make a good friend. He has already asked me a lot of questions about what I know being in my professional world, and appreciates that I am a writer. He has complimented me on my writing skill, and has offered to publish any book I write (he claims to own a publishing company). If this is true, I may take him up on that, but not at the cost of entering into a relationship with him. I believe he has met someone more suitable for him, anyway, as he alluded to that during a recent phone call. So, friends I think we will remain.

Frog Eleven

When I first saw this man’s profile, he didn’t really appeal to me. Sure, he’s handsome and seemed quite polished and sophisticated. But, he is an actor and entertainer – something I never thought I would ever pair up with. He lives in South Carolina, but is up here caring for his ailing mother. Through the algorithms previously mentioned, we seemed to have some core differences in our philosophies. However, we had some lovely correspondence, and I agreed to meet him for coffee. I was in for a big surprise!

As many of you know, I am new to the area, so when he told me where he wanted to meet, I didn’t think anything of it – thought it was just a coffee shop. Au contraire! It was a posh lunch and dinner spot for the very well-heeled! He saw me as I walked toward the entrance, where he greeted me with a friendly, genuine hug and escorted me inside, opening the door for me (nice touch!). I was then presented with a beautiful, single yellow rose! In all of my experience in online dating, only one other ever has presented me with any type of flower, and that was many years ago (and quite a bad experience). Surprised and pleased, I graciously accepted the gift. We were guided to a cloth-covered table, where we sat down and began to talk.

Charming, handsome and polished he certainly was. But, he was also real, genuine, very interesting, intelligent and not egotistical in the least. He did not mention much about who he rubbed shoulders with or what he's done as an actor and entertainer. He is about 6’1”, weighs between 185 and 190 lbs – a former owner of two gyms, so has nice body condition. He is in his mid-50s, but has a full head of hair, dark brown (probably colored, but so what?), piercing blue eyes and a beautiful smile. A born Southerner, his drawl is pronounced - but he speaks articulately, deliberately, with a nice, smooth and soothing tone.

We did not have coffee, but nibbled on a lovely gourmet cheese and fruit plate while drinking a nice wine spritzer – perfect for the hot day – and finished it off sharing a crème brulee. We were there for two solid hours! I had an obligation to be elsewhere at a certain time, so had to take my leave. I did not want to go. And later I learned, he did not want me to go!

We have spent the days since talking to each other on the phone and have a date for Sunday. I have since discovered that he used to breed English bulldogs, so he understands and supports my passion for my dogs and knows his way around a horse, too!

Funny, I haven’t thought much about Frog Two since meeting Frog Eleven…

I do have another potential frog in the Pond. He lives in Richmond, VA, so meeting might be a challenge. Time will tell.

More later,

SA

Frog or Toad (Part Two)

(...continued from May 15th post)

I took another deep drink from my wine; took a deeper breath into my lungs. Let it out slowly. Walking from the kitchen, I heard a rap on the door. I opened it to see Frog Two…with his dog. That’s interesting. And annoying. I figured that he brought her to help diffuse the situation in case things got ugly. Kind of like a shield. Abby loves me, you see, and I think he figured that I wouldn’t go off the deep end if she was there. He said he’d had her at work all day (he often takes her to work with him) with an apologetic look on his face. Whether it was pre-meditated or if it was the lack of any forethought, I decided to forgive it. I can’t blame him for wanting to try and take the edge off of a confrontation both of us dreaded. A bigger issue was at hand.

I told him to come in and release Abby from her lead; she knows her way around and is comfortable in my home. He took the cap he was wearing off as he walked in, speaking to the good manners he had trained himself with and which charmed me from the first. Without looking at him, I asked if he would like a glass of wine. I would have been a cad if I didn’t offer (a small part of me wanted to be a cad). He accepted, so I got another glass from the wall unit and poured the wine. The bottle I had opened was not the French wine he had given to me two weeks before; that would have been ironic and not a little poetic. When he gave it to me – supposedly in exchange for watching Abby for him – I told him that I wanted to share it with him. Go figure. I handed him the glass, still not looking at him, and invited him to have a seat on the sofa.

He sat somewhat toward the center on the left and, wanting some distance, I crammed myself against the right arm, removed my feet from the mules I was wearing and folded my legs under me. Turning my body toward his, I took my time to get comfortable; I figured I should be as relaxed as possible for this unpleasantness. Looking at my lap, I took a deep breath and slowly raised my eyes to meet his. Putting my hand on my chest to remind myself that I must say what I feel – directly from my heart – I spoke.

I heard my own voice as halting and nervous at first, when I told him of the feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal I felt (still fresh, though more than a week had passed). Then, I watched his eyes – steady in their gaze moments before – get large, then soften and look away. He appeared quite shocked at the realization of the effect of his actions. Emboldened, my voice steadied. I spoke in even tones, never raising my voice. It wasn’t necessary; I saw in his face and eyes the shadow of shame and hurt.

It was not my intention to talk him out of his decision to pair up with someone else – that is a waste of time, and would make me look like a desperate fool. His choice is his choice, and he’s the one who has to live with it. If he cannot see what a catch I am, that's his problem, not mine.

Taking a deep breath of his own, he looked at me and said (paraphrased):

“I’m so sorry – I don’t know what to say. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve never been in this kind of situation before, so I really had no idea how to go about it. I’m horrified that I caused you that much pain. I completely underestimated your feelings and I am so very sorry.”

I explained to him that when dealing with issues of the heart, consideration of others is paramount. To blithely announce to the world about one's status change without consideration for the people he was directly involved with was inconsiderate. Still not raising my voice, the words came across like a shout: "It was horrible. What a horrible, horrible thing to do," I exclaimed. "Unthinking, unfeeling, inconsiderate and absolutely horrible! Not just for me, but for anyone else you had been seeing!

"Did you tell anyone else before you announced it to the world?"

"No, I didn't," to which I groaned, “Dear God!” and looked at him in mild exasperation.

I admitted that I had feelings of him moving away from me for weeks. He had no answer to that – and I didn't really want one. He did not deny it, which is an admission in and of itself. When I met him last at the movies, and I pointed out to him that I had asked him point-blank, “Is there anything you need to tell me?” his answer was, “I didn't want to lose you as a friend.” I nearly blew up. Glaring at him and growling my words (still not raising my voice), I asked, “Did you actually think that I would ignore the fact that you lied to me? What kind of a friend is that? You would have saved me a hell of a lot of pain and anxiety had you just told me the truth, instead of stringing me along!”

He flinched, having been cut to the quick. He explained that he had a female friend, who seemed to be able to make friends of her former lovers, and he wanted to emulate her and do what she did to gain friendships from his own experiences. “I don’t know how she does it,” he admitted. I jumped in with another stab: “Perhaps she did it by being sensitive, considerate – and truthful.” Another flinch.

“I handled this badly,” he said.

“Yes, you did," I said, my eyes boring into him. "Now, we have to figure out if a friendship can be salvaged from this train wreck,” I said quietly.

I told him that I had to work through this anger and that will take time. I didn’t want him contacting me for a while; that I would be the one to contact him. If he had direct questions about anything related to my field of specialty (we had discussed much of that during our dating), that he was free to do so. But, I did not want him to email for any other purpose. “Let me contact you – that will be the best indicator of my willingness to be friends.”

I told him that I wanted his honesty going forward. “Can you promise me that?”

He sat for a moment, thoughtful. “I promise that I will do better,” he replied, which was as truthful as I could ask for.

I had to accept that. I would have said the same thing.

My venom expended, I told him he could leave at any time. Instead, he asked, “Can Abby play with your dogs for a while?” I couldn’t help but smile. The expression on his face was hopeful, childlike in it’s reflection of appeasement. I believe he truly wanted to mend the rift and see if a friendship could develop. It was still light outside, so I relented. Frog Two refilled his wine glass and made his way to the back yard with Abby while I released my own hounds. I refilled my own glass and headed outside. The dogs played while we interacted with each other through them. Amazingly, that worked like a balm. It broke the tension and both of us relaxed after such a grueling confrontation. I felt the first stirrings of healing.

Darkness was prevailing, so we gathered the herd and went back inside. Frog Two leashed Abby and made his way toward the front door. I thanked him for coming despite the unpleasantness of what he was facing. He thanked me for being honest and telling him exactly what I felt. I told him that I would always tell him what I feel. “That is a promise.”

We hugged in a way that was friendly, but held the undercurrent of past emotion. I watched as he and Abby got into his car. I closed the door, sat on the sofa and cried.

Several minutes later, as I was taking the wine glasses to the kitchen, I noticed something on the ottoman.

He left his cap.

Frog or Toad? (Part one)

My last post explained some of the feelings I had developed for Frog Two over the course of two months, and just after that post, I discovered – rather abruptly – that he had decided to enter into a relationship with someone else. The shock was more in how I found out than the news itself, although the news was pretty shocking, too. He kept it all veiled and hidden.

We met through an online dating service, and this service allows users to put their status as “married / single / seeing someone,” etc. I had logged on to discover that he had changed his status to “seeing someone” after having been set at “single” since we met. He did not bother to take the time to inform me of this change prior to his announcing it to the world.

Yes, I was very hurt that he decided to focus his attentions on someone else (especially, since he said he had no intentions to “get involved” with anyone), but what really got me was the apparent disregard for my feelings (and those of others he was seeing) when he decided to notify the world without coming forward privately first. It was like a kick in the chest. I felt angry, hurt – and in no small measure, betrayed, strung along and lied to.

Had I been deluding myself? Maybe – and that’s a hard thing to admit. However, I did the best I could to discover his feelings by asking specific questions. Yet, after he had answered them, I still felt at odds, and I didn’t acknowledge that. That is where my fault lies, I think. By failing to address my own doubts, I gave him too much of the benefit of the doubt.

I emailed him in reaction to his announcement – “I would have appreciated knowing – why could you not have told me?” He apologized and asked if we could talk about it the next day. My response was along the lines of, “The only way I will speak to you about it is in person. If you don’t want to do that, then we have nothing to talk about.” “Of course, we can talk about it in person,” he said, and from there, it was arranged for him to come to my house the Tuesday evening after returning from my trip. I left for my trip 2 days later, longing for a break from my melancholy. My friends made short work of it, and put me back in a place of happiness. I am very grateful for that, and I thank you all (you know who you are) for your parts in ensuring that I didn’t dwell on this rejection.

I had intended on simply forgetting about things while on my trip, and I was doing a great job of it, until he emailed me a few days later. “Hey, how is your trip?” Great – another kick in the chest sets me reeling. I determined to not even respond and ignore any other communication from him while I was trying to enjoy myself almost a thousand miles away from my pain.

On my drive back home days later, I tried not to think about him, but the solitude of the drive and the memory-inducing music on my radio conspired to bring him to the forefront. I came to a sad conclusion drawn by deep thought over the sound of the road beneath my wheels. I realized that I invested a lot more into him than I actually thought (or cared to admit). I realized to my shame that my sole reason for dating other men was to try and wait Frog Two out. Hoping that someday he would be ready and I would be there when that happened. Talk about backfire. That’s a tough thing to admit to, but admit to it I must.

I arrived home determined to face the person who hurt me. To tell him exactly how I felt. What good it would do I could only say for myself. I needed to get this off my chest - and out of my heart. I had no idea how he would react - or even if he would actually show up. Surprisingly, the day before the scheduled meeting, Frog Two sent an email to confirm. With an economy of words bordering on terseness, I confirmed. Mentally preparing myself for the – for lack of a better word – confrontation was fruitless. I rehearsed all the things I wanted to say and could spout the words out flawlessly with no one around. But, when Tuesday evening rolled around and, sitting across from him, I looked into his face, most of those beautiful, eloquent words went right out the window.

The anxiety was going to drive me insane, so in the hour before the appointed arrival, I opened a bottle of wine and drank deeply to steady my nerves. I put the dogs in their crates (I did not want any distractions) and minutes after the arranged time, I hear the familiar rumble of his BMW in my driveway.

To be continued…

Moving On

I had an epiphany last night. Actually, it was early this morning, because I could not sleep (I haven't been able to sleep well for a couple of weeks now). It came on the wave of the release of pent-up frustration at not being able to follow my desire to make Frog Two a permanent fixture in my life (by now, most of you should know my feelings for him). He has not been very responsive to my emails as of late. There could be a number of reasons for this, and it may have nothing to do with me. But instead of wondering why (or even broaching the subject to him), I took this as a sign that he and I may be going onto divergent paths. That realization caused a flood of emotion and a torrent of tears. Thoughts of missed opportunities and bad timing careening in my brain. The crying was cleansing and allowed me to see things as they are, not as I want them to be. Letting go and moving on, no matter how pragmatic and appropriate, is hard to do.

That is not to say that we’re formally parting ways, never to see one another again; I don’t think that’s the case. But, I believe that we will end up more as friends than anything else, simply because he is not ready for anything else. Could that change? Of course – stranger things have happened. I still believe that he will keep contact with me on occasion. I’m not pushing him out of my life. But, I am also not going to try to pull him into my life, either. So, I attempt to follow my own advice and just let it be. Gone are the hopes of something more than what is plainly there; gone are my attempts at keeping me in his thoughts.

Now, I need to let go and move on. Easier said than done.

Update: I have just found out that Frog Two has become involved with someone else.

- SA

My Dating Philosophy

In today’s post, I thought I would expound upon my dating philosophy, in addition to updating you all on my pond adventures. But, I’d also like to ask a boon of my Facebook friends:
Please, PLEASE – share this with others on Facebook if you’d like to. I encourage it. But, please do NOT use my real name when doing so. I’d like to make my blog presence as removed as possible from my real self, for obvious reasons. On to my philosophy.

Please, good reader – let me make this perfectly clear: I am dating around; I’m not sleeping around. The vast majority of my dates are first-time meetings – and nothing else. What happens, more often than not, is by the time the first meeting is half over, one of us has decided the other is not a good match. I have to admit that the ratio for me making the call rather than him is about 4:1, however. I’m including pre-blog figures, since I’m only up to Frog Five this time around. I’m not a floozy, a loose woman or a “ho.” Why am I dating like this? Here’s my analogy:

Say you’re out shopping for a car. You go to the dealer, test drive one car, then purchase it and drive it off the lot. Then, after a few days or weeks, you decide you don’t like it, so you take it back and start looking for the next car. Does that make any sense at all? It’s not the best way to shop for a car that suits you – and you shouldn’t to that with men, either. Serial dating is the worst time-suck on the face of the planet if you’re at my age and looking for a long-term relationship. As with cars, you want to "test-drive" as many men as you can over a period of time before making a move toward exclusivity. Why on earth would I want to cut off all other potential matches with someone who “seems” like we get along (on the surface), then find out in short order that we’re not such a good match? I’d have to start all over again in finding a nice man. I don’t have a hell of a lot of time to waste – I have to make every date count.

Nearly all dating advice sites (and there are plenty of them) recommend not engaging in sexual activity with anyone until or unless exclusivity (at least of a sexual nature) is declared. This means being very clear about one’s status and goal. And, I am not making my status a secret. If things look like they will go beyond the first couple of dates, I will let my date know that I am seeing other men. Frog Two knew this before the end of our second date.

Being physically intimate with anyone while in the “dating” mode is not a good idea, for innumerable reasons. It can create all sorts of complicated problems, in addition to the obvious health risks. That is not to say that I’m not tempted with Frog Two. Problem is, the feeling is mutual and is the precise reason why we are trying to work out a level of physical interaction with each other that minimizes the chance that things will go over the edge before either of us is ready. A very difficult balancing act, to be sure. We have discussed our sexual attraction - among the intellectual and other attraction - with each other. And, as a whole, I would have no problem whatsoever entering into a physical relationship with him. However, the biggest fear I have is to become a “friend with benefits.” I told Frog Two that I did not want to be considered such, and that if we become intimate, that I wanted “all of him” – heart, body and soul. However, this “line in the sand” does complicate things when passions rise. Drawing the line – or crossing it – will alter our relationship, perhaps permanently. Scary, especially when he is the only one with whom I am even remotely considering on that level.

On to my date yesterday. Frog Five came to my neck of the woods for lunch and a movie. He had earlier suggested that we rent a movie to watch at my house, but there’s no way that I will have him at my house until and unless I feel I can trust him. I like him, but I doubt if we will actually become an item, but the fact that he can fly anywhere in the U.S. and have a companion fly free, too is pretty attractive – at least for a little while.

Lunch at a Mexican place was okay. He’s a smart guy, and we have some things in common. His movie and TV tastes run toward the comic book or action-flick side, but he did actually suggest seeing the Lincoln Lawyer, which was fantastic! I needed to have some work done on my car (brakes – gulp!), so had the car fixed while we wandered around chatting. He’s a pretty decent conversationalist, and has some strong opinions on certain things, but he seems respectful of opposing views – unless (by his admission) they go far off to the extreme. He is also polite, and always opens doors for me – a nice touch. He alluded to seeing me again, asking me to contact him when I returned from my trip. At that time, he will also get the "I'm seeing other men" speech, in one way or another.

There have been a number of potential “Frog Sixes,” but no one has stepped up to the plate to actually meet. This is fine, as I’m too focused on getting ready for my trip to Michigan in a week. For those who don’t know what I am talking about, there is an annual dog show for my breed, and the event is somewhat of a Mecca. We spend our time bragging about our dogs, complimenting others’ dogs, networking and partying like there’s no tomorrow. The majority of my hangovers in a given year are a direct result of these shows.

I think my next post (since I will probably not be seeing anyone over the next two weeks) will be about how I set up my profile(s) in online dating sites – how I attract men and how I approach them when I am attracted to them. I’ll give my insight on what to show in your profile, what not to show and how to present yourself – textually and pictorially. This is just one woman’s opinion, so I don’t expect anyone to see me as an expert (I certainly am not), but I think after all these years, I do have some decent ideas.

Until then,

SA